Without further ado, I give you COUNT DANTE. The surreal king of self-promotion.
The FORBIDDEN and SECRET training manual of the BLACK DRAGON FIGHTING SOCIETY has never before been available to anyone outside of the Society. Recent attempts for regular publication and public exposure have been rejected as the contents were considered HORRIFYINGLY DANGEROUS and BRUTALLY VICIOUS.
Yes, this is the DEADLIEST and most TERRIFYING fighting art known to man—and WITHOUT EQUAL. Its MAIMING, MUTILATING, DISFIGURING, PARALYZING and CRIPPLING techniques are known by only a few people in the world. An expert at DIM MAK could easily kill many Judo, Karate, Kung Fu, Aikido, and Gung Fu experts at one time with only finger-tip pressure using his murderous POISON HAND WEAPONS. Instructing you step by step thru each move in this manual is none other than COUNT DANTE—“THE DEADLIEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED.” (THE CROWN PRINCE OF DEATH.)
Considered by many as evil and cruel; the lethally savage ripping, tearing, slashing, clawing and gouging techniques which comprise the POISON HAND ARSENAL are used to attack (by strike, touch or pressure) the nerve centers, pressure points, major blood vessels and vital organs of the body.
In two ads, the Count’s promises are capped, peculiarly, by a cut-out form in which the applicant promises to use his future powers to rend flesh and grind his opponent’s bones to make his bread only in self-defense. A necessary qualifier, I suppose, to forestall possible future lawsuits should Bobby thumb out Billy’s eye on the playground. (See the sidebar, “I Promise Not to Kill Anyone.”)
And in case you still have doubts about the potency of the World’s Deadliest Fighting Secrets:
…[W]e can make a $10,000 GUARANTEE that this book is DEADLIER than any other book, manual or course ever printed anywhere, at any cost and that it was, as mentioned before, refused past publication due to its extremely FEROCIOUS nature.
Danté, who liked to fight, must have had it in for Master Kung Fu and the other comic book senseis. In addition to his duties as the Crown Prince of Death, the Count served as the world’s deadliest consumer advocate: “DON’T BE FOOLED BY PHONIES. The undefeated Count Danté personally challenges to “Knock Out” (no holds barred) matches all other mail order “Masked Marvels,” Kung Fu (Killer) Muscle Men, Kung Fu Dragon Masters, Supposed Masters of Karate, Kung Fu or any other Fighting Arts!”